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Monday, May 11th, 2009
9:58 pm	The Adam's Homework Chronicles, Volume 1 Oh yay, a back story, just the thing to make a joke instantly funny. However, allow me to explain. My main man and confidant in crime HC (Huge Cock) Adam Christiansen was taking an online finance class. He saved all the work until three days to the class deadline as all responsible American citizens would. Adam looked on the syllabus the day before everything was due and realized he missed something: the teacher wanted 10 750+ words essays on 5 topics. 2 essays for each topic. One essay was to be done by finding 2 internet sources on the topic and doing a compare and contrast, all that bullshit. The other topic was called "personal reflection" essays. Adam chose the former, I, being of sound body and humor, chose the latter. The prompt was simple. Read the chapter, and write a quick essay about how the topic has affected your life and make sure to include content from the chapter. I looked at the first topic, read three sentences, and away I went. I shall present these in the reverse order they were wrote so you may read them chronologically. The first two are kinda gay but the last 3 are solid. Mind you these are supposed to be read by the professor. Read them and tell me what grade i earned. Topic Number 1: Financial Planning. Many people often ask me, “What is your idea of living the good life?” Well, to be frankly honest, the good life would be one which involves no such thing as money, where necessities like food, shelter, and insurance are provided without the need for work, and women were attracted to men solely based upon their sense of morality. My concept of the good life is similar to Thomas Moore’s Utopia, except in my vision cigarettes are more widely available and they don’t cause cancer. However, the world we live in today is in no way similar to Thomas Moore’s immaculate conception. So, I must face the fact that I need money to get everything I desire in life, as well as anything I need. So, in order for me to even come close to living what I would consider a good life is going to take a lot of careful spending, so I can begin to afford what I want in the future, which will come through careful financial planning. In the chapter there is a discussion of the need of dual income for families to achieve successful financial planning in today’s harsh economic climate. To me I don’t like the idea of having to live in a dual income household. I don’t feel it would fit with my idea of living the good life. My idea of the good life is where my lady stays at home, takes care of my babies, and wastes my money faster than I can make it on useless vanity items, like in the good old days when my parents were young. The thought of my lady having to slave away daily to make ends meet while my children are stuck with a psychotic old grandmother with dementia and 1200 cats in her studio apartment scares me to no end. Luckily due to the advancement of social reform my wife could make almost as much money as I do, instead of mere fractions. But this is not the point. With careful financial planning I should hopefully be able to save enough money to provide my family with a great upbringing However, this chapter has pointed out one of my major shortcomings in financial planning: saving for my future needs. Though I am excellent at making sure I properly allocate my finances to suffice my direct needs, like bills, food, rent, tuition, etc., I never find myself with any money leftover to put away for my future. Unless I start saving and investing now, I fear I may never get the money. The book states that the average American claims to need 2.5 million dollars in assets to feel rich. I can assure you, as a poor college student a mere 15 dollars in savings is a huge accomplishment. Though I do have my own car and a plethora of fishing gear, my tangible assets amount to very little, and they do not help to provide me with any more money for the future. However, I do have a plan to invest in the ultimate financial asset. Not stocks, not bonds, not Nigerian telemarketing scams. I plan on investing in college. To me college is one of the most important financial assets there is. Allow me to elucidate you on my important discovery. College allows me to invest in my future by allowing me to have a greater earning potential than I do now. So currently with only a high school diploma and a GED I could arbitrarily earn 40,000 dollars a year. Say my expenses are 38,000 a year. That leaves me little room for saving. College changes this. If I sacrifice 4 to 5 years of my earning potential and spend it in college, then after college my degree should give me the ability to earn, lets say, 80-100,000 dollars a year. So even though I have sacrificed 4 years of time and 160,000 dollars of potential income, in 20 years I will have made lots more. Also, 80,000+ dollars a year is far above my expenses and would allow me to begin to invest and save for my future. Thus college is the ultimate future investment. Okay, that’s it. I got it. I have made up my mind on the ultimate financial plan. I will keep wasting money in college. Though it makes it burdensome on my immediate spending capabilities, being crammed in rooms studying all night does not appeal to the attractive women folk in this town, and my starting to hear the words “start saving and the good life will come” get interrupted by “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play…” in my sleep as I slip into dementia; I feel college is currently my best financial plan. College will allow me to start investing in my future so one day I can live the good life, my wife wont have to work, and I can finally come to afford that Ferrari that you get to drive to class every day. Thanks doc Mike (the professor), you’ve helped me realize my dreams. Current Mood: Bon Current Music: Bjork - Venus As A Boy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:56 pm	The Adam's Homework Chronicles, Volume 2 Credit Cards and my Experiences With Them: Credit cards, perhaps one of the most ingenious inventions of the 20th century, and all it took was the modern telephone line. Credit cards are what took companies like Bank of America and turned them from small mom-and-pop shops where outlaws like John Dillinger could make an honest buck, into multibillion dollar corporations which control a majority of our stock market. The theory behind credit cards is simple and was taken straight from President Franklin D Roosevelt's invention called "Social Security". The theory states, "Let's keep borrowing against ourselves so we can get what we want until we are in debt up to our eyeballs and it will take us so long to pay this shit off our great great grand children are going to be broke". It's a novel concept, but is a two edged sword. Credit is only good for people who have the ability to properly financially plan, and not for people who are irresponsible, immature, impulsive, or have access to internet sites that use a program called "PayPal". The worst part about credit is that is a necessary evil. One of the keystone ideals behind financial planning is the planning for future investments, and credit cards are fundamental to this planning. When one is looking into acquiring large tangible assets in the future, say a house, car, or spacecraft, one must apply for a loan. Loans are given based off of a person's credit score, which is based on how much credit they have and how easily and timely they pay borrowed money back. Unless someone has applied for smaller loans or used credit cards, they will never be able to apply for larger loans. So, even those aforementioned irresponsible impulsive people must eventually get credit cards to get what they want, and they will never be able to properly use credit cards, and eventually they will get into debt and ruin their credit history, and it is all around unfair. Allow me to present a case study on proper ways to use credit. The case study is my friend Michael, who is 3 years older than me. This is how you properly use credit: do not do what Michael did. When Michael was 16 he swooned a stranger into co signing for a car for him. He then used credit cards to pay off his car payments and never paid the credit cards back. Other credit card companies sent him credit cards to help pay off his bills and then he owed even more. Eventually Michael's credit score was destroyed, he owed about half the country's national debt to various credit card agencies, and his car was repossessed. Destitute, Michael sought to clean up his ways. He met a wonderful woman who was very good with her finances and eventually Michael began spending money properly. However, it has now been ten years since Michael bought his car and he has just turned 27 years old. Michael recently tried to apply for a bank account at an anonymous southern California credit union and he was denied because he still had 3 marks on his credit. However Michael paid the final 153 dollars he owed and now he is financially secure and can begin investing and planning in his future. Michael has now learned a valuable lesson which is reiterated in this book's chapters. ONLY USE CREDIT WHEN YOU CAN AFFORD IT. More importantly, only use credit when you have properly created a financial plan and understand the need for credit cards within that plan. Only buy things you cannot possibly afford when you absolutely need them. After reading this chapter I often wander how much credit I could withstand at a given time. I currently do not have any credit cards as I do not feel they would fit into my financial plan. I calculated my debt safety ratio to make sure I should not apply for any credit cards. I divided the amount of credit statements I could withstand by my monthly take home pay. I can currently withstand 0 dollars a month with the amount of pay I take home. 0 dollars divided by my pay is still 0. See, no credit cards for me. As a final note I thought I would present you with an interesting tidbit I learned. I have a close personal friend who attended the University of Washington and informed me that the U of W spent over 200,000 dollars in credit card fees alone his 3rd year of college. 200,000 dollars is an incredible amount of money. Take that 200,000 dollars and add it to the fees of every college, business, and agency in the United States and suddenly I start to wander if credit cards are really just a business marketing scam. Not to be irrational, but this is yet another reason I choose not to own a credit card. However, if I am ever going to build enough credit to buy my dream home on a lake where I can fish every day, then I will have to give in and get one. I’m depressed. The End. Current Mood: Bonner Current Music: T.S.O.L. - Code Blue (Comment on this)
9:54 pm	The Adam's Homework Chronicles, Volume 3 This is the section about retirement. I hope his faggy teacher liked this one. The book and lessons for this class clearly state that it is never too early to begin planning for retirement. For me, it is too early to begin planning for retirement. I will spend this discussion a little off topic for even though I have read the material, I feel at this stage in my life I am having trouble making the material relevant to myself. Allow me to explain. How on earth can a college student who only has about three days a week he can devote to work possible make enough money to pay for tuition, rent, food, clothes, a social life, etc? How on earth would any college student supporting themselves have the extra resources to start planning for retirement? You may now try to interject by saying such unneeded phrases as "perhaps you should start cutting out things in your budget like having a social life". Name one twenty three year old who would choose to start saving for retirement over having a social life and then proceed to stop talking. I, in the prime of my youth and physical enamor, cannot possibly bring myself to think of such things as retirement. When a person my age thinks of retirement they often think of sitting on a tropical island with the woman they want to grow old with (whom oddly enough in the dream is the 20 year old they lust after now and they are at least 55), and the kids are all grown up and are hopefully beginning to start planning for retirement themselves. How is a person my age supposed to begin planning for retirement when I have yet to meet the woman of my dreams? To me the planning for retirement is in essence a distraction of what one must do over what one wants to do. That is why kids my age do not plan for retirement. I haven't even begun to figure out what I want to do with my life, how can I begin saving for what I ought to do with my life? For example. Give a kid a ten dollar bill and tell him to get you some Tylenol. The kid will go to the store, get the generic medicine for Tylenol , and buy a grip of candy for himself. In summation, any money kids get at our age is instantly spent upon items which they desire, not what they need. Say the word "estate" to a kid, and the first thing that pops into their head is "alright! Somewhere to party!" This train of thought seems to echo a recurring theme where the younger generations of America put off planning and saving for retirement later and later. However, I do have a theory about why the younger generations of America are not planning for their retirement. The theory is stated as such, "The news media is the reason no one invests in retirement". Any person who has watched the news in the past year has been bombarded consistently with only a handful of headlines: Innocent people dying overseas, Mass Hadron Collider Going to Destroy the Planet, Apocolypse to Ensue, Mayan Calendar Ending in 2012, Apocolypse to Ensue, and Swine Flu Evelops the Nation, Apocolypse to Ensue. Anyone who watches television at least an hour a day is probably certain they are not going to live past the next decade, so why bother investing in retirement? Any Judeo-Christian person who watches the news is almost confident the messiah will return for either the first or second time in the next few years. Again, why plan for retirement? Even if these Americans are intelligent enough to understand that news articles are merely hype (however referring to the majority of the countries populace as intelligent is going out on a limb), the masses are no match for the commercials which haunt the interludes between newscasts. All commercials have a common theme which rings into the heart of people (I take this idea from an interview in the movie Bowling for Columbine). If you do not buy this toothpaste, your teeth will not be white, and no woman would ever like you. If you do not watch MTV and listen to exactly the music they tell you, no woman would think you were cool and will never like you, etc. All the people watching TV have now succumbed to the commercial media's attempt at scaring the public into buying their goods. Now people will be spending what little money they have left not on retirement, but on superfluous items which in no way will improve their self worth in the future. Perhaps instead of headlines like “this person died, this person died, shooting at the mall 4 dead, car crash on the interstate 2 dead, this person died, this person is dying” etc., etc., etc., if Ted Turner were to promote optimistic news stories like “children who start saving for retirement young turn out to be more prosperous in the future”, “don’t worry, the economy will rebound in no time”, and “Ellen Degeneres really Owen Wilson with a mask and tracks on his arm” then there would be no need to worry about our nations children; or no need to read this book. Current Mood: Even Boner Current Music: Bowie - Starman (Comment on this)
9:51 pm	The Adam's Homework Chronicles, Volume 4 The fourth installment of doing Adam's homework was perhaps my favorite. I, in my infinite ingenuity, crafted a way to tie in cardboard boxes in the section that was supposed to be about my experiences with real estate as an investment. Here it goes. This morning I awoke from an eternal slumber, looked out the window, and saw that the American economy was crashing down. I got in the bath and noticed the real estate bubble ascending from the benthos of the tub had burst. I turned on the television and saw Rick Moranis in his latest Hollywood blunder “Honey I Shrunk The Economy”. It was at this moment I realized that now is as good a time as ever to invest in real estate. However, being a young penniless college undergrad I had no clue how to go about considering real estate as an investment. I opened up my text book for clues, and here is what I found. Real estate is an extremely diverse form of investing. There are opportunities for momentous monetary gains and drastic failures. Real estate is a field with more potential risks than bicycle couriers in a land mine field. However, with the proper guidance and patience in the market place, smart investments can be made. The thesis I pulled from the reading was “Buy low, sell high”. The point of investing in real estate is to use up some of one’s current resources and income on a property with the hopes of later selling the property at a greatly increased value of what it was purchased for. This of course is the same protocol for people who are either selling or using drugs, but that is a different topic. My friend’s mother is a real estate agent and I asked her for advice on this topic. However she was of little use as I cannot afford any of the houses she is trying to sell me. I think she missed the point. From what I gather these harsh economic times have created a perfect market for buying real estate. Housing prices are low and properties are readily available. If one can afford to purchase and maintain these investments, when the economy turns around the investments will be worth a far greater amount than when they were purchased. However, I cannot afford to purchase anything right now, so that leaves me with little options. Let us assess the options I have anyways, so I can demonstrate my knowledge and expertise in the realm of real estate investment. At my current income I can afford but a cardboard box to reside in. The cardboard box is a wise investment because it is cheap to manufacture and readily available in most dumpsters. This keeps the overhead on the initial investment low which nearly guarantees a profitable resale. However, the cardboard house is not impervious to rain, hail, thunder, gunshots, or political unrest so the investment is risky because there is a large chance the investment can be destroyed. Scotch Guard or Saran wrap can help to resolve some of these issues. Now there is one distinct advantage cardboard boxes have over contemporary homes and that is in their mobility. Unlike multi million dollar mansions or large scale commercial real estate, cardboard boxes can be moved with only a crew of one and without the need for heavy machinery. This gives the investor a distinct opportunity when the time is right to profit from the sale of his investment, and that is “Location location location”. What is often the selling point of any property is the land it is sitting on. Having a good view, a good neighborhood, etc, are all important aspects to any potential land buyer. The house my family lived in before the one we do now was originally listed at a very lucrative price. However, because there was a dangerous one way road to get to our house the value was literally cut in half! This is where the glory of cardboard living is most apparent. An investor can purchase a cardboard house for, say, 0 dollars if he knows where to look. The investor can then transport the abode to a very nice part of town, say a park, or very fancy gated West Hollywood community. The investor can then pitch to potential buyers the value of the land the cardboard is sitting on and can then turn over a lucrative profit. The only potential pitfall is that homeowners in the community could throw someone’s house in the trash. Fortunately cardboard houses are cryptic, so they will not be discarded when left unattended. Neighbors in a nice community will all assume someone’s cardboard house is actually just a box to be left out for recycling. The next day the house is gone, no questions asked. In reality the house has moved to the next street over where a similar concerned neighbor questions the presence of the cardboard box. However, the succeeding morning the box is gone and the cycle continues. This is why for a starving college student, a cardboard box is potentially the greatest investment one can make for their future. Current Mood: Even Flow Current Music: Todd Rundgren - Hello its Me (virgin suicides anyone?) (Comment on this)
9:46 pm	The Adam's Homework Chronicle's, Volume 5 This is the final segment written and sent to Adam's finance professor. This section was supposed to be about Fraud and Money Scams. The final homework section to write about is the section on frauds and scams. There is not much material in the chapter specifically addressing this issue. The chapter mainly focuses on protecting one’s investments without really addressing frauds or scams. I will elucidate you upon my knowledge about how I have protected my investments in my life. First and foremost I should address one of the biggest scams one can invest in: credit cards. Upon reading the fine print on any credit card offer there should be a plethora of red flags that go off within one’s mind. The fact that you are not actually in control of any of the money you are spending should be a red flag in itself. The credit card company can change your rates at any time they please. Would you willingly take money from Vinnie and his mobster cousin if you knew you could not pay back at the end of the month? Then why would you give money to an organization that is larger than any crime family in the US? However, the paradigm we are forced to live under states that in order to establish credit, to eventually get loans, to buy the things we want, we must have credit cards. Thus, one must be responsible as to not be scammed out of their money. The way one is responsible with their credit card then is that they should use it like a check card. I.e., only spend money you know you are able to give back to the credit card company at the end of the month. Never have a running balance. Problem solved. Keep your money where it belongs: under the mattress and guarded with a large caliber weapon and a bottle of Old Crow whiskey. The lottery is also a classic example of a poor investment. Though not conventionally a scam, the lottery is an inventive way to screw people out of money. The lottery gives individuals with rudimentary reasoning skills a glimmer of hope that they will be the one among 30 million people who hit it big and can retire before the age of 90. Slap a sexy lady on the billboard for the lottery and the game is over. The village idiot’s entire life savings, gone in a weekend, spent on lottery tickets, and the state’s deficit is resolved. Sperm have a greater chance of winning the egg lottery than ordinary yokels do the state lottery. Moral of the story: the lottery is a voluntary tax on the stupid. A recent scare in the eternal struggle to protect one’s investments is the threat of identity theft. Identity theft is pretty much any instance where individuals gain access to another individual’s financial data and proceed to liquidate their assets. Like the lottery, many instances of identity theft have to due with the complete lack of intelligence of the victims. Though some scams cannot be avoided because the ingenuity of the guilty parties, most scams can be avoided by the exhibition of a novel concept called “deductive reasoning”. Let us examine this example. You get home from work and sit down to check your email. It has been a long day and you are craving a drink, but this simple task beckons your attention because it seems relatively prompt, which will allow for maximum drinking time later. You open your inbox and there are 65 new messages in the inbox and last night there were none. All these emails are from people who are supposedly esquires from countries whose names who will fail at pronouncing. In your infinite curiosity you choose to open one of these emails. This is a mistake but don’t worry, it is not too late. The email then has a script similar to this: “Hello Mr. or Mrs. Smith. I am a prominent lawyer from Nigeria. You may not know it, having a white protestant Christian name, but your long lost African cousin from my country has recently passed away. He has left you a large sum of money in the area of 5 million dollars. Your cousin has willed you this money and I will need your social security number and banking information to be bale to give it to you. If you will just forward this information to me now we can resolve this issue. Thank you.” At this point the smart investor abruptly stops reading and clicks the clearly visible “delete” button in the top right hand corner of his screen. The unwise investor, who may or may not have any money leftover after buying a lifetime supply of losing lottery tickets, will promptly reach for his or her wallet to retrieve the information to quickly pass over to their deceased African cousin’s lawyer so they can get that 5 million dollars and get their 1987 Ford Pinto off blocks and off the front lawn immediately. Again it appears that identity fraud, specifically Nigerian money scams, are a voluntary tax on the stupid. However, the wise investor, knowing fully well that most people are out to rob him of his wealth (or her of her wealth of course), will always avoid giving out his personal information at all costs, and protect his valuable assets for years to come. Current Mood: Came Current Music: Cocteau Twins - Carolyn's Fingers (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
2:44 pm	For Those Whom Love The Sea Oh Whale in the Sea, Sing to Me. And to think you thought had escaped the clutches of my lame humour and baseless morals? Well you thought wrong. Being of sound humor and body, I declare you lucky enough to receive the latest installment of more crappy fishy related humor. I guess this would make it Volume 2. I was stuck after work in Oceanside the other night and Maffoo and Adam conversed with one another over the course of half an hour this list of titles i hope you shall add to and start to pass out to everyone else to add to: FISHY MOVIE TITLES A Time to Krill The Baitrix The One Who Flew Over the Lingcod's Nest Mel Gibsculpin in: Bravetrout Hallebut Berry in: Cabezonwoman, wait, Swordfish! Hah, Waddya know. Interview with a Vampire...bat...ray. Dr. Doolamprey Michael Showhelker in: The Monkeyface Pricklebaxter Jessica Albacore in: Idle Sands White Seabiscuit Spider Marlin Pole-Lateral Damage Saving Private Grunion The Legend of Batray: Squidder's Revenge Death of a Sailfish Urchins Eleven Salmon in the Iron Mask Treble Without A Cause Eagle Claw: Snelled and Loving It And don't for get our favorite heroin: 007: Golden Trout 007: The Spy Who Snagged Me 007: Octapussy 007: A View to a Krill 007: The World is not an MPA 007: Her Majesty's Secret Sanddab Current Mood: Bob Goulet Current Music: Hit Parade - Garage in Drift (2 Comments |Comment on this)
2:43 pm	If You're Feeling Emo.... Then perhaps you have purchased some of the fine products brought to you by the Emo Corp of Newbury Park, CA. They specialize in quality products for teenagers who have less than desirable self esteem. Next time you stop by the store buy some of these Emo brand names: The emo basketball, it shoots itself. the emo mechanical pencil, it pumps itself full of lead. the emo lawn, it cuts itself. Emo cheese, it slices itself. Our new emo jigsaw puzzle finishes itself. With our new emo photography system feel free to shoot yourself. The emo slap bracelet slices just about any wrist it wraps around. Pick up an issue about america's new favorite Emo comic book character: The EyeShadow. He blankets kids faces each morning before school, just like his arch nemesis: Pedobear. Our emo oranges and other produce slice themselves. At our emo lumberjack school you can learn to slash yourself and be gay. Travis Barkers emo plane crashes itself. My emo truck mashes itself. We too are worried about our emo economy crashing itself into a state of depression. Like to smoke? Buy some of our emo matches. They burn themselves. Buy our new Emo Oreo bra. It's double stuffed and always black on the outside. Current Mood: Quizzlebuc Current Music: Starflyer 59 - Give up the War (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 31st, 2008
12:53 pm	Christ Is Mad At Me Yet Again The parents asked me to go to church with them today so I did. The sermon was about the use of slogans in advertising and how Christians dont have any real good or true ones. So, in the twenty minutes the guest pastor was talking I scribbled down a couple of ideas for Christianity Bumper stickers. Theyre pretty lame but bear with me its been a really slow and miserable coupla months. The Bible - The Original Guiness Book of World Records Christianity - PCism has no limit Christianity - Just Judge It W.W.J.D. - What was that about Jack Daniels? A.C.T.S - Aren't Christians Teaching Sexism? Christianity - Its a relationship that's less physical than the friend zone. Christianity is like speeding - It saves lives and can be made from most household cleaning products. Christianity - Chastising European Boys since 32 A.D. Catholicism - Dip the head, Saved 'til death. Baptism - Misinterpretation keeps deodorant companies in business. Christianity - Get a Job (get it? the book of Job?) Jooobe Support the new Christian Emo band - Jonah's one whale swallowing. The BIBLE - And thus more servants died. REVELATION - Trust me, you're gonna die. I checked up on it. GUINEA VADER Current Mood: Fucking Great Current Music: Starflyer 59 - Give up the War (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
9:30 pm	Children, Your Lesson For Today Children, allow me to show you the kind of responses I am looking for on tonight's homework: 6.) Critical is the determination of fish blockages, both man-made and natural. Man-made blockages are eventually removed, so ultimately do not prevent fish from moving up if other conditions are favorable. So, you have to send out an in-experienced “Arts & Sciences student" working for you during the summer to localize and identify stream blockages in the watershed. For that purpose you put together a “primer” on fish blockages which tells/defines what they are (e.g. examples and short descriptions in your words plus links/sources (max 2 pages) The response. Dear Mr./Mrs Arts and Sciences student, I have some bad news for you. Before you start this wonderful job for me, I am going to give you some homework. Let’s call it a little light reading which should suck up the majority of your summer. First, I will start you off with something easy. Read the information on the website http://wdfw.wa.gov/hab/engineer/w2201170.htm. Here you will determine what kinds of requirements are outlined to build proper fish passage facilities. If you ever encounter a road crossing or construction project which does not meet the requirements outlined in this website, I suggest start rebuilding it. I left a shovel under your desk which should help you. Okay, since you thought you got off easy there, I am very disappointed in you. Therefore I shall give you a little more reading to do before you get started. If you go to the website http://www.stream.fs.fed.us/fishxing/biblio.html, you will find an ample supply of abstracts to scientific papers made on the passage of fish through natural and unnatural barriers. There should be just enough reading to carry you into the next century. These resources I have provided should be sufficient help in giving you an understanding of some of the underlying processes of fish migration and blockage. Within the readings are the definitions of the basic habitat features fish need to migrate upstream. The paper found at the following address should help you with any more questions you may have (http://repositories.cdlib.org/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article= 1006&context=jmie/roadeco). However, if all of these things I have provided for you are rather confusing, allow me to give you some very basic pointers to fish blockage that my great grandfather gave me and his great grandfather before him (these pointers pass every third generation if your math isn’t up to speed). So, if you walk up to a fish bearing stream and are not sure whether fish can migrate up it, just start looking around. Think of the size of the fish you know are in the stream, and look at the water depth. If the water is deep enough for the fish swim without having to lay on his side and dry into fish jerky then the water is deep enough for fish passage. Also, if the fish comes to a waterfall that is more than say, 5 to 10 times his length, then chances are this fish had a better chance of procreating with Arnold Palmer than getting up the waterfall. Even if the waterfall is of sufficient height, there must be enough water for the fish to gain enough speed to clear the jump. Both parameters should be present at the lowest summer flows to allow passage at these locations. The latter parameter is only applied for upstream travel. If per se, the fish wanted to go down stream, even all 268 feet of Snoqualmie falls couldn’t hinder his passage. However, gravity may cause adverse effects in this scenario in the form of the onomatopoeic phrase “splat”. So, my lovely arts and sciences student, now that you have been given the assignment, I expect you to fix every culvert, road crossing, landslide, or 200+ waterfall hindering the passage of America’s most cherished creatures. You have until the end of August to complete this assignment. Your grade depends on it. Love, Your teacher. PS: Remember the shovel under your desk. Current Mood: Betterishishishishish Current Music: Chapterhouse: Pearl (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
6:32 pm	Whats In Your Paint Job? I was on my way home from work today and I saw the stupidest looking car in my life. It was some Japanese car and it was painted to look like sheet metal all over. It had this HUGE logo that said like “Wicked Wraps.net”. The logo covered the whole side of the car and part of the roof. Sorry, but having a radical paint job and a 3 and 3 quarter inch tail pipe on your car doesn’t make it a race car. It makes it a stupid car with a radical paint job and a 3 and 3 quarter inch tail pipe. And as for the big website logo. Who would want to be a fucking living advertisement like that? It’s depressing. You don’t see me going around with a giant tattoo of my mom on my chest, with “TeresaStrang.com” across the top, saying “Hey yeah you think I’m pretty good looking? Well, if you want to have some pretty attractive kids fuck my mom, she’s good business”. It’s terrible. I’m pretty sure you didn’t see Jesus Christ walking around with a huge banner saying “Christianity.org” trailing behind his donkey. “Yeah, if you want to get into to heaven, just sign up for my newsletter”. “Humans” like that really do bring out the best in me, I’m completely cereal. Current Mood: Exhausted and Gay Current Music: Not John Valby (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 26th, 2008
4:31 pm	Crack It Open And Take A Bite I am currently living in Seattle and there one finds a copious supply of these things called 'Asians'. Perhaps you've heard of them. They are about four feet tall, have dark hair, too many children, and eat food that most other human beings consider "most likely poisonous". These Asians gained fame in the early 90s as expert fortune tellers. Believing that it was uncool to copy their friends the Gypsies, Asians decided to forego using crystal balls and out of style womens clothing to tell fortunes, but instead opted to bring people good news and fortune in the form of a delicious pastry. The idea was simple: bake a small cookie, insert the good news, let it set for awhile, and then at the right time crack open the cookie and let the good news spring forth. It was a similar concept to pregnancy except after the good news sprung forth, the only mess left behind was a small pile of crumbs and not a messy puddle of afterbirth. Initially, the fortune cooKies were a huge success. People flocked from miles around to partake in the festivities. The fortunes were great. They Encouraged people to feel better and just be happy. The cookies said such great things as "you are a shining light in others' lives", "good news will come your way", "It's a boy", or "all those missing socks you cant find are behind the sofa". SaLes were through the roof. Tourism to Asian countries went up a whopping .067%. Times were good... Then the 90s ended and so went with it the party. The big wigs of the fortune cookie industry became fat and lazy upon their high horses. They became too Lazy to write good fortunes. There was no prediction of the future like there used to be. In an increasingly politically correct world the leaders of the fortune cookie industry opted to change good fortunes into declarative statements that could not offend anyone, not even democrats. Due to the pending threat of frivolous lawsuits, they wrote fortunes that could not possiblY be wrong. They wrote things like "You will breathe today", "There's a 100% chance that the sun will come up today", or "Do you also think Ralph Macchio's career has run a little sour?". They weren't even writing fortunes anymore. The last one was just a question. That's why I think we should nuke China. Current Mood: Gimblehumpy Current Music: The Sound of the Hit Parade (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
2:19 pm	Feel The Pressure Of The Long Dick Of The Law My whole life I have constantly been in trouble with the long arm of the law and often found myself on the wrong side of barred windows. Let me tell you about just a few of the times I was thrown into the big house...though my butthole is still too sore to tell you about what went on in that big happy house. The first time I was arrested it was an interesting occasion. I was a small child, barely the age of ten, and I was fishing on a pier. I kept catching these really small crabs on my hook who were eating my bait. I got really pissed off and punted one of the crabs off the pier. At that moment a Fish and Game officer came up and arrested me. At ten years old I had to testify in court after getting arrested for playing football with a crab. The penalty: unnecessary roughness. I got two years. I was arrested another time for impersonating a cloud. At first I got away with it, by just drifting around in and out of different places and peeking through peoples windows. Sometimes I would spurt out a little rain on people's bushes or lawn so they wouldn't get suspicious. I was finally found out when I got carried away and was striking all of the people I didn't like with lightning. The charge: Impersonating the hand of God without a permit. After my trial I was extradited to Greece where I was fined for impersonating Zeus. Then I was finally flown over to Sweden where the Thor's day Festival people were awfully pissed off. Finally I was taken back to the US where I was sued by the NAACP, because a bunch of White soccer moms were offended that I only struck black and white people with lightning, and that mexicans and asians did not get fair representation. yet again I was arrested for impersonating a television. It was all part of my plan to undermine Ted Turner and control all of network TV. But my plan was itself undermined when I was found out by some mexicans. They complained that no one on the Telemundo Channel could actually speak or understand a word of spanish. I didnt know anyone actually watched that shit. I should have hijacked CSPAN. Last year I got out of prison after being arrested for impersonating the lost city of Atlantis. I thought the idea was good at first, but soon realized my plan was flawed, as I could not hold my breath for 800 years at a time. When I surfaced for air, I was spotted by a fishing boat who's captain claimed to be "lost in the Bermuda Triangle". They booked my on some bogus charge of the suspected murder of some dame named "Amelia Erhart". Luckily my dad's a supreme court judge so I got off with a 15 dollar fine for not having my PADI divers certification card. So there you have it. As you can tell I've had a longstanding problem with delinquency. Just this past week I was let out of jail after my elaborate scheme to steal all of America's loose change was foiled when I was arrested for impersonating a parking meter. Current Mood: Bad cause im back at school. Current Music: Dinosaur Jr. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2008
5:48 pm	This Isn't Actually The Sequel To Another Entry, I Swear Whilst watching one of the most boring and worst movies ever made, Kate Blachett's "Elizabeth", I learned that the movie was in fact a sequel to another shitty movie Kate was in. This got me thinking that though most movies have at least one sequel, there are still some classic titles out there that are a potential goldmine of cheap sequel knockoffs. So, I, with assistance from the genii known as Davis and Steveo, bring to you the list of sequels to movies that just need to be made. A sequel to Seven Years In Tibet entitled “So Long and Thanks For All the Dysentery”. A sequel to An Inconvenient Truth titled “Ice Age 3: Al Gore’s A Dickhead”. A sequel to Trains Planes and Automobiles called “Bicycles, Tricycles, and Shoes: Mexicans Need To Get Home For Thanksgiving Too”. “Indecent Proposal 2: the Michael Jackson Chronicles”, or, “Indecent Exposure 2: The Paul Reubens Chronicles”. Daryl Hannah makes her big return in “Splash 2: The Gillnetter”. The award winning sequel to A Walk To Remember called “A Face to Forget”, starring L.L. Cool J. Woody Allen returns as rabbi Murray Rabinowitz, a counterpart to Hopkin’s Van Helsing in the landmark sequel to Bram Stoker’s Dracula: “An American Werewolf In Tel Aviv”. Jesus returns and not everything goes according to his plan in “The Passion of The Christ 2: Oops I Did It Again!”. Guess what he does again? He re-dies on the cross. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays a conflicted Catholic priest in the new hit “No Country for Young Boys”. A sequel to “the Secret of My Success” titled “Its Lonely At The Top”, and MJ Fox OD's on a mix of adderol, xanex, ambien, and horse tranquilizers. A Sequel to The Man in The Iron Mask called “How I Met The Angel Gabriel”. A story about Joseph Smith’s discovery of Mormonism. A sequel to The World According to Garp entitled, wait, there could never be a sequel to that movie unless it was titled “Garp’s Still Dead”, or Mel Brooks could make a sequel to his Dracula movie and title it “Garp: Dead and Loving It”. A sequel to Steve Martin’s classic the “Jerk” called the “Second Coming”. Samuel L. Jackson in “Amistad 2: Slaves On A Chain”. Apocalypto 2 : Return Of The Subtitles. Mel Gibson in "Walk the Line 2: I'm Going Perfectly Straight, Sugar-Tits". Jingle All The Way 2 : Sinbad Needs Work. The sequel to "Snatch" should be "Brown Eye". Ashley Simpson makes her debut in "The Simpsons Movie 2: I made out with Steveo". But now, the potential for some good sequels isn't the only great news for today. We here at the labs have stumbled upon some secret Hollywood communicés which gave away the titles of some of the Latest Hollywood film projects which are not sequels, but still sound really good! Christopher Reeve's last film project: "Happy Feet". Andy Pettite in "Who Framed Roger Clemens" -Doesn't really work cuz that fucker was on as many 'roids as Benoit before he rocked his son to sleep. Dirty Dancing’s Patrick Swayze deals with his latest midlife crisis in “Pop Goes my Hemorrhoid!” From Broken Lizard, the geniuses who brought you Super Troopers and Beerfest, comes the newest San Francisco based hit: “Sausagefest”. Saw 5 : Same Old Shit. Shannon Elisabeth makes her directorial debut of her new line of work in the sequel to High School High, “Preschool Prostitute” AND FINALLY, Bob Saget makes his big screen debut as General George Custer in “1 versus 100: the Movie”. Not to be a spoiler of secrets, but Custer doesn’t get the million dollars. Current Mood: Not Too Baed, Actually Gude Current Music: "You Should All Be Murdered" - Harvey Williams (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
3:05 pm	The Grievances A Sack Feels More and More I find myself becoming the outcast. I usually feel like I am just another normal person and everyone else is a total Dumbass. But, the more I travel out in public, the more I realize that everyone else are like sheep, copying each other’s every move, and I am the one who is abnormal, for just being normal. There are some basic types of people I see around: There are regular sorority girls who at this school always have tight jeans, a black or pink Northface fleece jacket, and either tennis shoes or ugg(lie)s. There are the skater types with the semi baggy pants, the hat that’s too large, and the shoes which remain untied and look like they could slip off at any moment. There are the geeks who dress nice not because they want to impress, but because their mom dressed them up in the third grade and they haven’t found any logical reason to deviate from that style since. But then, upon entering my first class, I see many stereotypical souls which make me so sad. The constant struggle to fit in, the never ending need to buy whatever is new, so they can look like everyone else and still dare to call themselves an individual. First and foremost are the sports players. Femme et garcon alike, they all dress in sweat pants that poof way out so far it makes me want to play all my K.D. Lang records back to back. Then they have a shirt with the school colors on it, and their name or number, followed up by a slightly off kilter hat, and finally, the little tiny back pack that’s really just a bag with a long string on it slung over their back. They don’t piss me off like everyone else, they just all look the same. Then there’s the wanna be jocks. The guys that waltz in with huge muscles, and a dick probably big enough to make a Vienna sausage look like a bratwurst. To look tough they bring in an empty water bottle, put tobacco in their lips and spit brown shit into the bottle all class. I don’t know about you, but I would never spend money to make my mouth black and have brown shit spill out of it. If you were any sort of intelligentsia, you would know that one could save money and get the same effect by just not buying toothpaste or mouthwash for 6 years. Then there is the skinny prick who tries to walk around like he’s tough. He wears the belt which reminds people his waist is no more than a 28. He wears a beanie to hide his girlish features. He walks past everyone with a retarded strut so people recognize him as cool, and swings his arms just right. Really he walks more like a robot chimpanzee than a human, but we wont tell him that. He is the scrawny guy who walks like a badass because someone told him that if he walks like a badass, and squints his eyes like that badass Clint Eastwood, then no one will pick on him. Actually, child, no one picks on you because no one actually gives a shit what you look like. Congratulations, you have wasted priceless energy on…...NOTHING! Then I look over and see the kind of girl who is not fat, but no Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen either. It’s so terrible to see them I can usually still see their image after I close my eyes, I believe in my native land we referred to that as a "nightmare". They are short, their stomach hangs out like a hillbilly’s, and to compensate and look skinner they wear a shirt that’s reminiscent of a corset. Come on, ladies, why on earth would you want to wear a corset? It cant be that comfortable having your tits pushing right into your chin. If I recall, that look went out of style some 800 years ago, when knights ruled the land, the pope wasn’t a joke, and the glory that is tobacco hadn’t been invented yet. Then, upon leaving that class and those terrible people, I see the true sorority slut. The girl with the terribly bleached hair and the conspicuously fake tan. I just look at her as she passes me by and think “Jeesus woman, you think you might wanna lay off the fake sun tan a little? Any more bronze and you’d be a statue. You look like a Barbie doll that’s been thrown into a fire. You make the old lady from There’s Something About Mary look young again. If you wanted your head to look like tanned leather all over you should have bought a skull cap.” Not to mention her terribly dyed bleached blonde hair, “Your hair’s so bright I think I could use your head as a flashlight. I think you’re the reason the price of lemons are so high this year. If I buried you tomorrow and someone dug you up a hundred years from now, your hair would still be yellow”. And then, the final straw, as I am on my way to my final class, waltzing away down the sidewalk, I am cock blocked by an Asian couple. And because of this, I would now like to say a few things about my friends the Asians. Now I am no racist, but lets call these a few prejudices I have on the fact: For how small the Asian peoples are, they really do seem to take up the whole sidewalk. And they walk down it so god damn slow! Old people with walkers could beat Asian girls in a foot race. What really pisses me off, is that Asian couples, and especially groups of Asian girls walk up the sidewalk side by side, and you can never freaking pass them. Even if it’s just one girl walking up the sidewalk, you couldn' pass her either because she's like “Lah Dee Dah Dee Dah” and just sways back and fourth from one side of the fucking sidewalk to the other. Drunk people can walk in a straighter line than they can. Not to mention the fashion. It’s 25 degrees outside and I see girls in a skirt so short I can almost see their lips. Unless you want to freeze your uterus and not have children, I suggest wearing pants. And when they drive on the road it’s a whole other nightmare. It’s like their culture has no concept of other people. Moral of the story, if you eat tomato soup and grilled cheese together, you will get cancer. If you cook and eat raw meat, and then lick all the black char off the grill the next day, you will get emphysema. If you watched Nickelodeon as a kid, you will go to heaven. Current Mood: Crampy, Periody Current Music: The rain falls hard, in a hum drum town.... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
6:43 pm	The Vikings Were A Loveable People, Because They Liked Pirate Rape So yes, once again I find myself in the throes of education and am forced to study for tests and quizzes nearly 25 hours a day. Yet again, I have found yet another way to alter the responses and study aides I use in my learning to benefit my comedic needs, at the expense of my education. In my last class about the Vikings, I was asked to explain 6 of 15 terms and explain what they are and why they are relevant to the Vikings. So, for todays Mattsploitation extravaganza, I present to you the answers on my latest Vikings exam: Explain What EacH Of These Terms Mean: 1.) Heroic Literature – The heroic literature problem of life is primarily in the struggle of freedom of will, against the pain in the body, the fear of death and against fate itself. This is very important for you, teacher. By reading heroic literature, you might become empowered to overcome your fate of working at McDonalds for the rest of your life, by getting up, taking arms, and traveling to a far distant land and shooting a foreign dignitary. 2.) Asgard - In Norse religion and Norse mythology, Asgard is the country or capital city of the Æsir, and thus the dwelling place of the gods. Etymologically, Asgard means the yard or enclosure of the spirits and is not an earthly place. In the works of Snorri Sturluson, the major source, the Æsir are the proto-Germanic people and Asgard is their homeland. It is the Viking equivalent of the Pantheon. In the works of Woody Allen, Asgard is merely the utilization of a football cup spun around to the other side of the waist, so that the said dignitary from question one's derrière may be protected by stray gunfire. 3.) Giants – are a very important part of Norse mythology. Loki was a giant. My aunt Mildreth is a giant. I didn't think this would appear on the test. Because it has, I must now think of something to say. I think I should talk about Roald Dahl’s the BFG, but more on him later, for now I must make my escape from this terrible class in my Belly Chopper. 4.) Jormungand – The World Snake, who is progeny of Loki, and the great serpent which is believed to have lived in the sea. Loki is the arch enemy of Thor, and in the Prose Edda, Loki is tossed into the Sea by Odin, and later almost caught by Thor. He is important because he is a snake, and snakes eat small rodents, and pest control is very important for maintaining healthy grassy fields. 5.) Novogorod – an important city near the outflow of the Volga River. This was a very important landmark in Viking history because it was one of the gateways for the Vikings to move from Scandinavia southward towards Constantinople and make their mark in history. The way I personally make my mark on history is not by erecting monuments of my own, but merely peeing on others which already exist. 6.) Cinder Wench – When studying I couldn't find any information about this. I am assuming a cinder wench is a maid, or prostitute, made of wood. I guess it is the present day equivalent to the blow up doll. Technology has come a long way, though, because I really think warm air is a better lay than cold hard wood. Then again, there’s times when I could swear that my wife is made of wood. I am laying in bed and just pleading with her to talk to me while we make love. Then the light turns on and she walks into the room with her friends, and there I am, drunk as hell and fucking the grandfather clock again. In retrospect I guess that would explain why the second hand always sticks at 38 seconds. Current Mood: Very Decent Current Music: Weird Al - Bad Hair Day! (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 26th, 2008
4:26 pm	To Be Rejected By God Great story. Coupla months ago my parents asked me to go to church with them so I went. My little brother was dragged along with me and much more reluctant to go than I. In any case, at church everyone was handed little cards with the numbers one to 5 on them. Everyone was supposed to put down 5 prayer requests and apparently they were to be sent up to the Hale Bopp comment on a spaceship and then taken up to heaven or something, I dont know. Something like that. So, i wrote down what I believed were valid things to ask of God and put in my card with everyone else, then hung out with my friend after he got out of jail. Then, magically and unlike everyone else, my card came back. My prayers had not been answered and apparently God wasn't up to hearing what I had to ask of him. Probably saw the name Strang preceeded by Matthew and thought that there was no point to read further. He put my request card in an envelope and had the ghost of the dog who played Rimshot in the Ernest movies go right back to earth and give the card to the church members who happily returned it to me. I was once again rejected by God, so he didn't have the chance to listen to my requests as follws: Dear God, 1.) Please ruin D.L. Hughley's career. 2.) Please create a world wide spinach crisis. 3.) Please lower the price of Toyota Carollas. 4.) Please help me find Amelia Erhart so I can bake her a pan of cookies, cause she's prolly pretty hungry by now. 5.) Please help me make a world renowned comedy series mocking the Ebola virus called "Drip Dry" Is that too much to ask? ....later God said I could have one wish and told me to pick a number between one and five. I chose two. So, if you remember, he made a bunch of spinach make some other people really sick and I got my wish. So God's alright. He's a pretty fair. Current Mood: A little Ill but feeling fine Current Music: Destroyer (sounds like a christian band) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 24th, 2008
11:15 pm	The Perils Of Eating Spicy Food I must say, I really do love spicy food, but it's one of those things that is way different coming out than going in. One way is warm and inviting, the other is hot and downright painful. Sometimes after I eat a nice hefty Chipotle burrito or a smoothie made not from fruit but diced peppers, hot sauce, and the blood from a young lamb; when I have just pooped it out, the pain is so much I want nothing more than to run an ice cube around the rim of my butthole. And when I've wiped, the toilet paper just presses those few remaining flakes of cayenne pepper right against my hole, and it burns even worse. Im sure you can relate people. It hurts to stand up, it hurts to sit back down, you don't know what to do. You have no choice but to walk around bowlegged for the next few days. Come on, girls, you know what I'm talking about, I've seen you all wobbling around. At least you have an excuse to give us all! "Actually, my boyfriend IS a cowboy, and he likes to eat with his hat on". On this thought, the worst comes when you have a spicy food induced diahhreal episode and you cant even make it to the toilet in time and you end up spraying hot lava all over your bathroom...or if you have to use a public toilet in which case you cannot touch the toilet seat and you must use arm strength to hover your anus above the toilet lid. In either case, small bit of chili flake and post digested salsa are on their way to a toiler seat near me, and once again, I must say, there is nothing I love better than sitting on a toilet seat and having chunks on the lid, whether it be from poo, barf, or gonorrheal piss. Call it a fetish. Current Mood: Pretty Good Actually Current Music: Destroyer - Nick Showed me 'em. GREAT (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
11:50 pm	I Just Cant Quit You, LJ. I, as many of my loyal followers, heard the heart breaking news of the passing of one of Hollywood's best and brightest. I heard the news while on a break from work, through a grapevine stemming from someone I could care less about. But upon receiving the news, I was devastated, for there will no longer be any chance of a sequel to Ang Lee's timeless classic: Brokeback Mountain. But, with the grieving process, which lasted a whole ten (things I hate about you) minutes, also comes the healing process. And I, Benjamin T. Nutsack, find that the best way to heal oneself of current woes is to make light of the situation at hand. And Thus, I, and fellow co-griever Davis East present to you: Reflections Upon The Death Of Heath Ledger. Davis brought up the healing process by first making sure those who hadn't heard the news, did: " Heath Ledger was found dead yesterday afternoon from overdosing on sleep meds. I heard he was researching a role for a new movie "Ten Pills I Ate Around Noon"." Then the ideas spewed fourth: "I could get lucky and replace Heath in the new porno Brokeback Mountain 2: Ten Things I Love About Poon" "Smythius could replace his role in "Ten Girls I Banged Before Noon"" "Hitler came back to life just to star in Schindler's List 2: Ten Ovens That Smell Like Jews" "I heard out of sympathy the studios are now going to let Heath's elderly dad star in the role hes always wanted "Two Girls One Cup 2: Ten Prunes I Shat Out On You"". "I bet Heath's last two words were "I can't quit you", said to a bottle of Ambien. " When asked if he would be returning for another Batman movie, Heath Ledger told movie executives, he'd "sleep on it"." "When asked why he hasn't been doing many movies lately, Heath Ledger said "I can't focus on movies right now, I've been feeling a little boxed in"" "I bet Jack Nicholson turned on the news, thought back to his old role in Batman and said "Wow, looks like he'd been usin Brand X"" "I heard Heath was really distraught when he heard they were canceling his favorite HBO mini series "Six Feet Under". He was heard to remark "Well, at least I can always be "Pushing Daisies!"" "At least his fans can be happy now. He came from, and at least he's returning to, A Land Down Under." That last one was ALL DAVIS. So Amazing. The healing process is complete. Anyone got any good ideas for a nice stiff drink Ive never tried? Something with taste, thats refined and is best served chilled. Something which is so sweet and full of essence. I have a great idea for a drink. BEER. Current Mood: Can't Sleep, Need AMBIEN Current Music: The hum of the TV with Barton Fink playing. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 18th, 2008
10:39 am	State Of The Sack Address 2008 Its been awhile friends, so i thought I'd update you on how the sack is doing....not well. Thats because life is busy and im tired of this whole life thing. But, in the few fleeting moments of spare time I find I still manage to find ways to make myself happy. Here are some short anecdotal scenes I wrote the past coupla weeks. Tell the sack what you think or your town shall be sacked by thine sack. Friends chatting and a hot girl walks by and says hi to one of them: “Whoa man, did you tap that?” “Yes, every day.” “You serious man?” “Naw, I’m just kidding. We dated a lot, but we never had sex, so the only thing that got tapped was my wallet”. At A Dinner Table Son: “I know, that movie is a piece of shit” Mom: “Don’t use that kind of language in this house” Son: “Sorry, mother, that film is a piece of shit” Watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show and the Phone Rings: Friend:“Are you watching this Victoria’s Secret Show on TV?” Guy: “YEAH! That dark Haried Australian girl is sooo hot!” Friend “For Sure Man” Guy “hahahahah! These girls are inbelievable” Friend“Fantasy Foreplay anyone?” Shows a clip of the show with barely clothed girl walking Friend: “Oooh Spice Racks!” Guy: “Which Ones Horny Spice? I want to give her some of my cinnamon stick and have her juggle my nutmegs.” Friend: “I got some egg nog spiked with Rum High in pH” (Get it, Rumph?) Guy: "I want to fertilize their eggnogs” One about myself (the sack) “it was insane, I was just lazily passing the shaver around my ballsack, cause you know, cause I was shaving my face, and then I knicked it. It was just a tiny little couple of nips, but because there’s like 80 billion veins and nerves in your ballsack, not only did it hurt like hell, but it bled like fucking crazy. It was like Niagra Balls down there.” "Hey did you bring any dental floss?" *Is handed the really thick yarny kind of floss* "Thanks…God look at this. Its like rope. You could lynch a man with this shit." "That girl said you two used to go out and bone all the time" "Oh yeah, she said that? That prude wouldn’t know what a cock was if it was shoved half way into her mouth." *hahahahah from listener* "Well, at least it would block her mouth from jabbering constantly." Girl:“Hey, I could really use you as a friend right now.” Guy: “Awwww, don’t worry, you’ve always had a friend in me” Girl:“Well, ummm, I meant a friend, with benefits”. Guy: “Benefits?!? You mean health benefits? Do you want me to do your taxes? What do you mean by benefits?” Girl: “Well, I don’t want to go out, or fall in love, or any of that stuff. We could just be best friends, and…” *she looks at him bites her upper lip. He looks back, is still waiting, and she springs over and plants a big one on him* On a Street Corner Girl: “Hey, there’s that English kid from last night. He still looks like hes drunk or something. We should go talk to him.” Guy: “Hey, you’re that kid from England right? Ummm, Lyle!” *he slowly looks up and his eyes are bloodshot* Lyle: “yeah, that’s meeee” Guy: “Cool. So, what part of England are you from?” Lyle: “Hungggover” Girl: “Hmmmm, I wonder where that is?” *looks over and sees Lyle barfing*. At A Ski Lodge: “So, what did you do yesterday?” “I was hitting the slopes all day. What about you?” “Oh, if by slope you mean the angle your glass makes when alcohol is pouring down your throat then I guess I was hitting the slopes too.” Current Mood: From Hungover Current Music: Ricky Nelson (Or Ricky Telson!!! Hah, thats shrimp humor) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
3:59 pm	Questionaire Cause Its Been Awhile and Apparently I Have Fans [1.] Where was the first time you ever kissed the last person you kissed? How the hell should I know. I remember now, it was at the bottom of the sea, and we met a starfish names Jim. [2.] What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? I ate food. [3.] How many TRUE best friends do you have? I cant answer that actually because many of the friends id like to consider good are not, and vice versa. But, there is one small furry woodland creature who always has my heart, and his name, is Smokey the Bear. Only you can prevent illegal immigrants taking over the US. [4.] Would you rather get up early or sleep in? Oh dear lord, I would rather eat tons of sugar and pass out into a diabetic coma because that always seems to be the best form of sleep. [5.] Tell me where you got each article of clothing youre wearing? shoes - a store glasses - another store jeans/shirts - from a dead bum on the street chonies - I performed magic and they appeared on my ass sweatshirt - From my magical Broadway performance in "oliver twist" [6.] What's the closest thing to you that is brown? my friend Ryan. [7.] What would you change about your life right now? I would de fat myself, graduate college tomorrow, make twenty million dollars by tomorrow night, catch some fish for dinner thursday, and then run away. [8.] Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? I would rather eat potato salad naked, thank you. [9.] What's on your bedroom floor right now? A television, a old ford pickup on blocks, the spaceship from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (complete with mash potato sculpture and plastic Richard Dreyfuss anatomically correct doll), and a bag of cheetos half eaten. [10.] Who was the last person you got into an argument with? Myself. We fight alot. But we always kiss and make up, turn on the mood music, and then make sweet sweet love to one another. [11.] Do you trust people? I trust all the wrong people but everyone trusts me and I guess thats good enough. Everyone dun tells me everything, even the last time they skinny dipped in the LaBrea tarpits (Larry the Encino Man you are one funny kid) [12.] If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? Pismo Beach. [13.] Have you ever been out of the country? yes, fucking mehiko and Canada eh. [14.] Could you go a day without eating? Been there done that. It only made me fatter (air has lots of calories). [15.] How much do looks matter to you? Apparently not much, cause everyone bitches about how I look, and dress, and shit. Maybe if they spent more time thinking about themselves they would be sadder people and get off my case and thogh everyone would not be happier, I would. [17.] When was the last time you had your hair cut? A couple of weeks ago. Just a little off the top (thats what my penis said to the barber) [18.] Would you rather be mad or sad? I dont know any other emotion, so Ill take quizzlebub, the new ultra happy emotion. [19.] Does it take a lot to make you cry? We should assume yes since its been many many years. [20.] Whats the best feeling in the world? A good untoothy blowjob, a quickly chugged Long Island Ice Tea, a fish on the line, and a box set of Alf dvds. [21.] Are you close with your mom? When i stand close to her i want to vomit so im about 1120 miles away (960 by air). [22.] Are your parents strict? They nag like mother fuckers but i never had any curfews so NO :P. [23.] Do you tell your parents everything? I haven't told them shit ever except when Im failing classes and still they dont care.. [25.] Name one fear you have. waking up with no penis but with a ballsack...if i were to lose weenie then I'd want vagina all the way. [26.] If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? I walk everywherrrre up here for the most part. 27.] Does the thought of marriage scare you? No, but the idea of waking up one morning with a really fat ugly girl in my bed does. I hope one day I can marry someone beautiful and intelligent and funny someday and never have to feel like settled for someone. [28.] How many kids do you want? 2 children would allow my wife to replace herself and myself and in an evolutionary sense keep the species going yet still not attribute to the evergrowing overpopulation problem. If only everyone just had 2 kids or less then in 40 years the world would be a much better place. But with Mormons in the world this is not the case. So, accepting a Tragedy of the Commons I will go to as many as three kids. [29.] What's your favorite color to wear? Black, greens, browns, and often blues. Hey, Im a water sign, lay off hoe. [30.] Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you? Carson popped his haid in and said goodbye, but since hes not a full person as just a head I'll have to say Evan Gerstein, sexiest man on the planet. [31.] What are you doing today? Not working on my essay thanks to this fucking quiz. [32.] Would you rather be rich & sad or poor & happy? People will always be sad about one thing or another. And more and more I start to realize that money really does buy happiness. BUT, not being a poser, Ill have to say poor and happy. [33.] Do you work out? sure, I do 12oz beer can curls and sometimes I jog or even run to the bathroom if I really gots to pee. [34.] What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg? I would hatch a new friend, and instantly put him into dinosaur slave labor. Or i could remake that cool 80s sitcom about the dinosaur family, except Id have real dinosaurs! [35.] Do you get bored easily? No, but I do get distracted. [36.] What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? When people chew with their mouths open it makes me homicidal. But theres millions of things I hate about humans so ask me sometime. [37.] Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? Yes, I wanted to change my name to Schnitzbane. Later after buying an N64 I wanted to change it to Squane. And finally, The Artist Formerly Known As Puff Daddy. [38.] Do you wish you were famous? Sure I guess. I would be amazing at handling the paparazzi trust me [39.] Do you make a wish at 11:11? Every Day. [40.] When you're at the beach, do you swim or lay out more? I either fish from the shore while laying out, or I dive right in and try to shoot something. [41.] Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? Sure Sounds Good DANA. (from carson concerning dinner) [42.] What are you freakishly obsessed with? My cock. [43.] What's your favorite song at the moment? A whole bunch of slowdive songs. They are amazing to me. [44.] Do you like going to the mall to shop or just shopping online? Malls are fun cause i can make fun of passers by and act like a retard. [45.] Can music affect your mood? i use it to define my mood, not create it. (to steal allis good answer) It usually cheers me up :p [46.] When did you last see your best friend? Any of the people I could call my best friend, i saw them over thanksgiving break. [47.] What tattoos do you want? I want a tatoo of myself over my entire body only in shape. [48.] Have you ever been in a cave? sure thing boss. [49.] Ever eaten a bug? yes, a it was a girl named "madame Cockroach". [50.] What are you excited for? Xmas break and graduation cause it means life will be easier and better. [51.] When was your last high five and who with and why? Kayley, Carson, and some girl who looked like Francoise Hardy cause we were at the football game. how old were you when you... 1. Fell in love the first time - 5 years old ( and I still love Barney the Dinosaur Today) 2. First got a myspace account - 18 (months old) 3. Got drunk - 12 4. Got your first tattoo/peircing - 3 (Daniel pierced my head with a rock)...but realistically, 8 (i got in with a rough crowd and had nine right ear piercings and a tatoo of a vagina on my armpit) 5. Got first Job - 10 (i ran around washing cars for 5 bucks a pop, yeahhhhh) 6. stopped believing in santa - 27..... actually about 6 or 7. And then my parents hired a santa once to put presents under our trees and while my brothers sat looked over the banister mesmorized I was out saying hello to santa's wife sitting on our driveway in a white jeep, sans reindeer. 7. Got your heart broken badly -I was born with a broken heart and its yet to mend, so 6 years old (i stayed in the womb awhile. I was kind of agoraphobic as a child) 8. Flew on a plane (alone?) - w/people - about 4 or 5 -- alone - 17 or 18 to seattle....first time flying a plane was 16! 9. Kissed someone - 32 10. Went to the hospital for a non-your-own-birth-related-incident - 12 (I gave birth to my second wife). 11. Broken a bone - 21 (cracked a couple of things in Alaska...but no real breaks so yey) 12. Got pimples (ew) - Interesting story. I was actually born a pimple. My mother saw this huge growth on her stomach and assuming it was a giant pimple she pushed really hard and I just kind of shot out of there. Actually there was so much velocity when I shot out that I went right out the hospital room, down the hall, and into the room where stephen spielberg was. When he woke from his surgery to find me in in his lap he exclaimed "Dear god, all this time i thought I just had a hernia, but it was actually a small child! I shall name him, JUNIOR, and I shall make a movie about his life, starring Sylvester Stallone" (Later, due to a contractual agreement, Sylvester was replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger as the main character). seven relationship questions.. 1. Do you like anyone? Sure 2. Does someone like you? No 3. Last kiss? See section 2, question 9 (chapter 22 verse 12 part B, "And the ocean parted and god said BLAH BLAH BLAH...") 4. Been lead on? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sure sometimes. 5. Been cheated on? Naw, but i think my mom slept around when she was preggers with me. Cause trust me, as a fetus, you tend to realize these things. 6. Want a relationship? Sure, if the right guy comes along then, wait, DAMMIT. 7. Wanna get married? To a Moose with big cute antlers who eats peanut brittle but not avocados. Current Mood: QUIZZLEBUB Current Music: Slowdive - Mellon Yellow (Comment on this)